THE BEST MOVIES BASED ON VIDEO GAMES

When you meet the expressions "the best" and "based on video games" in one sentence... well… it is equal to saying that Uwe Boll and filmmaker are two fully compatible things. Something seems wrong here. It is absolutely possible it is me, because I like one of Uwe’s productions, which is partly based on a video game. Fortunately, it is not included in my doggerel rating. And so what? Everybody has his own opinion, just like the dog said when it licked its asshole… or directly speaking… when the dog ate its own shit. Whatever…

Objectively speaking, movies based on video games are either witless or less clever, (not sure if it is not the same thing). I repeat - everybody has an opinion, no matter how strange, for being different than mine, it is. As such, I hope at least one of the movies listed below appeals to your taste...

I guess you already know how many brain cells you are going to lose by reading this post, but such (brain cells) are nowadays in a deficit, so… I cannot think of anything clever to say here. Let's return to the topic and glance at each of the ten productions that I have prepared for you.

10. Max Payne (2008)

After watching this movie, I realized that the producers have adopted the name of the main character literally, because they caused me a max pain boredom, to an extent where I had to visit the nearest pharmacy and buy paracetamol or something. The main reason for my headache was the amazing acting skills of Mark Wahlberg, who managed to escape only with a Razzie Award Nomination. I admit that the movie is visually stunning. I do not have in mind the half-naked Olga Kurylenko or the hot Mila Kunis, but the atmosphere itself. Definitely, this sequel of the movies represents the game to the best extent and perhaps this is the reason, for which Max Lame appears in my rankings.

9. Assassin's Creed (2016)

If you've ever used a keyboard or a joystick, you have surely heard about UbiSoft’s iconic game - Assassin's Creed. However, if you are from those five people who have no idea what I am talking about, you are probably aware that a movie with the same name was released last year, which, unlike the game, does not require strategic thinking. Apparently the creators have decided that (Magneto + a French chick) in a movie = Masterpiece. Well, they must have miscalculated something, because the answer is in front of your eyes and it is called "Assassin's Crap".

8. Doom (2005)

The youngest generations probably did not bother playing the two opening episodes of the legendary series, called Doom. Well… me neither, but nowadays it is important to have an opinion about everything. If you have ever played the games, the movie will hardly appeal to you in any way possible, because the story is just a bunch of clichéd scenes already seen in movies like Alien and Predator. At least the editing, music and effects are of a sufficient level. Also the acting. Dwayne Johnson (The Rock, for the ignorant) proves once again that despite his mug looks, he has a talent for acting, which is repeatedly observed by the viewers of "WWE Raw" all around the world.

7. Need for Speed (2014)

In the past, I repeatedly heard people saying how “huge” the movie Need for Speed is, but honestly, the only huge thing I associate with it is the mouth of the main actress. Yes, the stunts were spectacular and the first two minutes were catchy. Certainly the movie is in a need for speed and when I say “speed”, I refer to something that can decrease the duration of 2 hours at least by a half.

6. Warcraft (2016)

I have not played the game and I do not intend to, because I am not 12. As such, I cannot express a completely objective opinion about the movie. However, if you enjoy bland jokes or have a hentai orc fetish, then this movie is for you.

5. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

Frankly, the only thing I remember is the erection I had once or twice during the movie. I think this is a good enough reason to include Lara Croft in the ranking.

4. Silent Hill (2006)

The first three parts of the gaming series "Silent Hill" are some of the most compelling and scary stories ever told. Now imagine the same about the movie, but swap it around. I am just kidding, of course. No matter how angry gamers worldwide are, I cannot say that the movie is that bad. Compared to the aforementioned movies, I think this one can compete for the prize "The Best Movie Amongst the Stupid Ones."

3. Resident Evil (2002)

Zombies eating people? Check. People killing zombies? Check. A killer soundtrack? Check. Milla Jovovich? Oh, yeah... Let’s continue.

2. Mortal Kombat (1995)

Speaking about a killing soundtrack... A 2D action game without much of a meaning or a storyline has turned into a legend and a successful franchise, which is now filling the pockets of its owners. The main reason for the success are the colourful characters. What I mean are the hot chicks with big tits, long nails and whips, and the inflated guys with leather masks (yes, I know, it sounds like a BDSM porn, but it is not - watch it), which continue to arouse interest even after 25 years. The film, which I placed on second place justifies the expectations with a solid amount of battle scenes and half-naked divas.

1. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)

I'm not a dedicated gamer, but I think I have played almost everything related to Prince of Persia – from the first 2D games, through "The Sands of Time" and ending with "The Forgotten Sands". I think this is the highest-quality project that Jerry Bruckheimer has been involved with, after the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. The storyline follows the various adventures of a young prince, whose name is never mentioned in the games. Only after I watched the movie, I realized why. His name is Dastan. Really? Ha-ha-ha. I apologize, but this sounds as ridiculous in English as in Persian. The effects, costumes, makeup, music, atmosphere, acting, everything is of a high quality. Only the plot is trivial, but it is recreated in a way that justifies the clichés… except the ridiculous ending.